Review published
November 21, 2003
A.J.'s Rating:  Zero! 
(And by the way, I must confess:  If I could, I would rate this big mess even less)
Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat
Directed By:  Bo Welch
Written By:  Dr. Seuss   (book) /
Alec Berg  &  David Mande & Jeff Schaffer (screenplay)
Starring:  Mike Myers, Dakota Fanning, Spencer Breslin, Alec Baldwin,
Kelly Preston, Amy Hill, Sean Hayes
MPAA:  Rated PG for mild crude humor and some double-entendres.

    The movie is called The Cat in the Hat.  What's it about?  Well, it's just about that.  Our story begins at a house in the 'burbs, with manicured lawns and shiny white curbs.  In the house live two children, Sally and Conrad.  One is a girl.  The other's a lad.  Their mom's gone to work and she's given them rules; keep the house clean and don't act like fools.  They aren't having fun, couldn't have if they tried.  Even gone is the sun, 'cause it's raining outside.  So these poor little kids are stuck home with the sitter.  And that's when this movie goes right in the shhwwwwait a minute!  I'd better stop rhyming before I get myself into trouble!  This is a family review, you know.
    Wow.  What a bad movie.  Bad, awful, horrible, dreadful, heinous, oh no.  I've gone from rhymes to synonyms!  Okay... gotta focus.  The Cat in the Hat is a wonderful children's book.  I don't mean to give Dr. Seuss a bad rap.  It isn't his fault that this movie is crap.  Oops, there I go with the rhyming again.  Why does this thing co-star Alec Baldwin?!  Darn, now I can't even seem to stop doing it.  I'm having some kind of a Seussy rhyme fit.  I had such high hopes for this cat and his hat... but a Fat Bastardization?  Oh, please no!  Not that!  Must... stop... rhyming!
    As the Cat, Mike Myers gives us an uninspired sampling of his 'Greatest Hits', without ever attempting to give the character a personality of its own.  He simply recites his lines in whatever silly voice he thinks might magically make them suddenly become funny.  He fails.  You may be thinking, "Hey, quit bashing.  After all, it's only a children's movie!"  Uh uh.  This film's not for kids.  Not for me.  Not for you.  This sick mega-flick isn't fit for a Who.  It's all so repulsive, so cheap, even lewd!  The writing is foul, humorless, and just crude.  If it's supposed to be fun, full of antics and mirth, then how come I'm reminded of Battlefield Earth?  I kept wanting to scream at The Cat, "Oh, behave!  You're gonna make Dr. Seuss spin in his grave!"
    On the good side, and yes, believe it or not there is a good side to all of this, the one thing The Cat in the Hat showcases well is young Dakota Fanning, who plays Sally.  Mark my words, Dakota is going to be a big star.  Another good thing about The Cat in the Hat?  It's only 82 minutes long.  I'm so thankful for that. 
    Let me assure you, these words were not planned.  In fact, this is the first Dr. Seuss flick I've panned.  I quite liked The Grinch; not a popular view.  The Cat in the Hat?  Put quite simply... P.U.  What more can I say?  I don't mean to sound bitter... but to sniff something more pleasant, try used kitty litter.  So, what can you watch that's a good family show?  I suggest you see Elf or rent Finding Nemo
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